Sleeping cougar

I can't get comfortable.

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I just want to ask all of them, "Seriously, you guys. Was any of the crap that's going on now, in the names of your respective deities, what you had in mind?"

Jesus Christ

Siddhartha Buddha

Mohammad

Moses

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'Tis the Voice of the Reverend; I heard him exclaim: "I will write silly satire to bring me great fame."

This was the first book I ever read that was over 1,000 pages long where every single page had at least one interesting item on it. It took forever to read, but it was time well and delightfully spent.

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I dreamed my father was embarrassing me in public. I imagine it means I'd be willing to be embarrassed in public right now if I could only see him.

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We know the egg came first because history clearly teaches us that the Cadbury brothers first produced filled eggs in 1923, whereas Peeps were not introduced by the Rodda Candy Company till 1958.

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I lost it years ago. I'm sure everyone would be happier if I had it again.

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You don't have to be in shape to be good at it.

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I just got a postcard about my 20th reunion from one of the most UNpopular kids from high school, which goes to show you how little the stuff that happens when you're a teenager affects your adulthood.

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Because I'm allergic to dairy.

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Brenda DaSilva used to follow me home and spit in my hair. I could defend myself against most bullies (either with my big mouth or my fingernails) but Brenda was from a tough family and carried a knife, so I just let her spit, then went home, washed my hair, cried, and told myself someday I would be better than she is. I am a published author. I heard she died of a drug overdose.

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I said I'd rather have a man who was happy than one who was rich. I should have specified that he didn't need to be THIS happy.

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What, are you kidding me?

Whether it's windy, sunny, rainy (occasionally), and yes, we did get a flake or two of snow last December, I like nature best when I'm inside, climate-controlled, and within footsteps of a tiled bathroom. You want to go on a hike? I'll see you when you get back. I'll even make sandwiches.

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I have one weapon that always works, because I only use it if whatever I want is really THAT important:



The Boo-Boo Face.



If not getting my way is going to pose a real problem for me, I add the big guns:



The Chin-Quiver.



I repeat that neither of these maneuvers is used lightly. I'm an expert. Do not try this at home.

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My mother can still recite it by heart.

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Coldest breakup ever: Sent me a card, which arrived on Valentine's Day.

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